New day, new week, new attitude… new everything. I’ve been being ridiculous. I’m much too long in the tooth to be getting my knickers in a twist over a guy I don’t even know all that well.
I think it’s a bit to do with what I mentioned the other week, this feeling of not understanding how things work here. I’m not just disappointed, I feel a bit stupid.
Because for all my “oh well” shrugging the other week, I really thought there was something here. That’s the truth of it. I feel something when we’re together, that Glow Worm feeling that’s almost tangible – you know when you just feel like your best self when you’re in the company of someone particular? You laugh at the same stupid stuff, you spend the whole time going, “yes exactly! Me too!”, you feel as though they are truly listening to you, and you to them.
And I thought it was mutual. I thought maybe he was shyer than he seems, that things move more slowly and subtly in Sweden, that we were proceeding cautiously because of our work relationship: but now I feel as though I must have made the whole thing up.
I’m not given to going around fantasising that there is a spark between me and random men, but I suppose I did in this instance. Oh well, live and learn I suppose.
At least it won’t be for much longer, because I’ve just found out that after next week, Gustaf will be out of the office for six weeks as he’ll be sailing around Greek islands. As you do. For six weeks. Which is apparently an average summer holiday in Sweden – how the other half live, eh? Liv will be off for a while too, so I’ll be holding down the fort all on my ownsome. Which will be good actually, I’ll be able to get my head down and focus and not be distracted by all these nonsense feelings and whatnot.
Anyway, apparently Midsummer is a big deal here – who knew? This week, Liv and Gustaf have been all full of their plans to go to their family country houses (as you do) and have massive celebrations.
I can’t quite bring myself to drop hints that I’d quite like to experience a proper Swedish Midsummer, because presumably if they wanted me there they would have invited me. Which is fine – maybe it’s a bit like Christmas, you don’t really invite randoms, do you?
Last night I was feeling a little bit blue at facing yet another long weekend mucking about on my tod (there have been quite a few lately) , so I did a bit of Googling, and came across a group for ex pats in Stockholm who are having a Midsummer barbeque today, so I’m off to that in a bit. It feels a bit weird to be going along to a party where I won’t know a soul, but I suppose that’s part of the ex pat experience, so I’m going to make the best of it whatever happens – worst case scenario I’ll get a funny story out of it!
It’s occurred to me, actually, that maybe I’ve been getting so hung up on Gustaf because I’ve had a bit too much time to think lately. I get on well with Liv, but she has her little boy, and I have fun with Andreas, but I don’t want to fall into the habit of seeing him too regularly, so… let’s just say that my social diary isn’t exactly packed. Which I don’t mind, it’s natural enough, and I am here primarily for work after all. But without the usual girlie nights and big group dinners and hungover coffees, I have had quite a bit of time on my hands to pick over every spec of minutiae of the Love Affair that Never Was, and it’s clearly not good for me.
So I’ve signed myself up for a whole bunch of events and clubs and things over the next few weeks. Project Distraction is underway!
Featured Image: Adrien Leguay
Love Refugee is YLC’s fiction serial; a romantic comedy about expat and confirmed singleton Ellie, determined to avoid commitment at any cost…
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